Since the death of my son I have dealt with anxiety, depression and PTSD. My doctors subsequently prescribed medications for all of these. Albeit, the symptoms have thankfully dissipated to a tolerable degree, these elixirs have produced a completely different psychological manifestation.
I began to feel numb after taking my medications for a while. I do not cry anymore…about hardly anything! I very rarely feel sad, angry, impatient, or any of the so-called “negative” emotions. Everything melded into just following the day-to-day pattern and feeling lots of nothing. I rarely show my sadness, however, it was always there just under the surface. Grief waits for me to stop taking the medications and give the monster a chance to rear his ugly head.
I did try to stop the “magical elixirs” that lead to my coveted numbness. It was a disaster! I went from one extreme to the next! Tears and sorrow became my constant companions. It was as if the grieving process restarted again. My heartbreak was new again and I was at the mercy of the harsh, ruthless reality of my life’s worst nightmare.
When given the choice, I had to decide on the quiet pseudo-reality of my medicated mind. I must function, work, live, and when necessary can even pretend I haven’t suffered the tragedy of child loss. Calmness, quietness, and the ability to live with this injured psyche have allowed me to move ahead and focus on trying to help others. Though I know the pain and heartbreak will seep through at times, I can continue down my chosen path which entails survival.
Yes, I know one day I must face my tormentors which include immeasurable grief, loss, and the undeniable truth of a grieving mother. I’m not ready! I can’t let the monster out of his hidden fortress. I would I fear certainly go mad or shrivel into nothingness. Am I so wrong to keep my pain at bay for now? I don’t think so because it is my life and my survival at stake.
Why would anyone judge me for relying on the pharmaceutical therapy to ensure I have a sense of empowerment? This situation would leave almost any parent despondent and inconsolable. Some may think me weak to rely on medications. I do not share that sentiment. I think it makes me strong to make choices that enable me to move on with my life. To those who disagree I ask you this question: if you were in a situation and had the choice to carry on and care for your family or curl up in a corner and give up, what would you choose?
I know this medicated lifestyle can’t last forever! I am aware there are ramifications to taking medications for long periods! I am just trying to live my life to the best of my abilities for the moment.
A quote comes to mind: “don’t judge my path if you haven’t walked my journey!”. I hope with all my heart you never chance to walk my journey. However, if you do, remember there is no shame in using the tools available to ensure your survival!
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